Wow…first of all, I have not written a blog post in 4 years which is CRAZY. Grab a little snack and make yourself comfortable, this is a long one…
I know that you are probably used to me disappearing for awhile every now and then, especially after Christmas since it’s such a busy time of year. Typically, I don’t take 4-5 month breaks in posting, but 2024 has been a little different, to say the least. I have been thinking about writing this post for weeks and going back and forth with myself about what I wanted to share…how much to share…how “raw” to be. Since I couldn’t ever really come to a solid conclusion, I’m just going to write and see where it takes me.
Infertility – I guess I’ll start with some context on a subject that I’ve shared briefly, but never really gone into detail about. My husband (Keagan) and I have been dealing with infertility for the past 3 years and more recently in the last year and a half have been working with fertility specialists. After more tests, bloodwork, out of town appointments, time off work, and internal ultrasounds *cringe* than is fair for any couple to endure, our journey brought us to IVF. While I am more than grateful that modern medicine is able to offer such an amazing option, I’ll be completely honest with you – we were initially devastated to accept it and say it out loud. Aside from the MASSIVE financial commitment (with no guarantee it will “work”) the mental and physical toll this process takes on both partners is something that I cannot even put into words. I honestly don’t think I’ve even said the word “infertility” out loud yet still to this day…it just feels so final. This whole process with all of the medical appointments, poking & prodding, speaking with doctors in hushed tones while fighting back tears, getting your hopes up just to have them crushed again…not letting your mind go to that place. The place where you ask yourself – is this in the cards for me?
Endometriosis – Something I have been more open about is that I have endometriosis. With endometriosis, tissue similar to the lining of the uterus grows outside the uterus. This leads to inflammation and scar tissue forming in the pelvic region and elsewhere in the body. I have had 2 surgeries in the past 4 years for this disease and am currently awaiting a 3rd. Many people think that endometriosis is “not that serious” – I can tell you first hand, it is. It doesn’t just mean I have excruciating periods (which I do), it effects nearly every part of my life not only physically but mentally as well. And of course one of the most devastating effects of this brutal disease is that in can effect fertility.
January 2024 – Keagan and I took off to Mexico to celebrate with a huge group of our favourite people as two of our close friends tied the knot; it was SUCH an amazing trip. We were openly discussing our fertility journey at this point and our friends + family were so beyond supportive and positive – it felt amazing and made the journey we were on feel a little less lonely. This was such an exciting time because we knew that just a few short days after we returned home from vacation, our IVF process would begin and we’d be that much closer to finally starting our family.
As the first day of IVF inched closer, my nerves were through the roof. As someone who has been terrified of needles basically since birth, I was NOT looking forward to this part of the process. Day one of injections came and went without issue – Keagan took on the role of “doctor” and administered all of my medications like an absolute champ. He was calm, confident, and acted like he knew exactly what he was doing (he didn’t lol). As the days went on, it became less scary and that trickle of excitement crept in…maybe this was actually going to work.
During this process, we had to travel 6 hours (3 hours each way) every other day for ultrasounds and follicle monitoring. Around day 6, I started feeling increasingly ill; nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, extreme body aches & chills, fever, terrible stomach cramps, zero appetite. I continued to bring it up at my fertility appointments, to which I was told with a chuckle that these symptoms “wouldn’t bode well for pregnancy” and that while extreme, they were likely side-effects of the fertility medications. So, we continued on with the injections and the trips to the city for 10 days, all the while I hadn’t been able to eat a single thing in over a week, couldn’t keep water down, was continuously vomiting, and could barely peel myself in and out of bed to attend these appointments.
IVF Day 10 – We started this process knowing that I had 2 large endometriomas (cysts) but were assured that they would not affect IVF. Spoiler alert – they did. On day 10 of what for most is the final day of injections, we are brought into an office while the doctor tells us with a grave face that the follicles were not growing as they should and are unreachable due to the size and location of my endometriomas. I could not even process what was happening in the moment but as Keagan and I drove home in silence with tear-filled eyes, the overwhelming understanding of what just happened set in. It didn’t work…another surgery was needed…we can try again in the future…
At this point I am not only mentally & physically destroyed, I am also sick – like really, really sick. I finally made my way to the ER where the doctor ran a few tests and wanted to admit me; after everything I had just been through with IVF I resisted and she hesitantly let me go home to my own bed. The twisted thing is that because I have dealt with endometriosis for so many years and experienced such adverse symptoms of the disease, I was sure it was the cause of all of my current ailments. Well, that was definitely not the right decision on my part because things only got worse. A few days later I went back to the ER and was admitted where a series of constant testing and bloodwork began to figure out what was going on. I continued to get sicker and sicker despite being on IV antibiotics and fluids; finally after about 5 days they discovered what was wrong – I had salmonella poisoning and my entire stomach lining was infected & inflamed. This same day, I was told that I would be sent to a larger city via ambulance because my local hospital “did not know what to do” with me. So away in my first ever ambulance ride I went…
I ended up spending over 4 weeks in the hospital between my time in Swift Current (home) and Regina (2 hours away). The things that I experienced during this time were seriously nothing short of a nightmare – especially for a person with crazy health anxiety like me. From having IVs in both arms, being so bruised from said IVs that my arms looked like one big purple/green blob, being pumped full of fluids/medications/antibiotics to the point that I gained & lost nearly 30 lbs, a metal drain inserted into my stomach to drain my larger endometrioma, having a catheter, having to get a feeding tube because I was so malnourished…those were some of the very worst parts. They also found salmonella in the blood from the endometrioma that was drained, making me 1 of 11 (!!) people in the entire world that have ever had this happen – now that’s luck hey?
Trauma – This is a word I have heard more times than I can count over the past few months – from doctors, nurses, family, and friends. While my physical health plummeted, my mental health did too. I (politely) refused any visitors other than my husband until near the end of my hospital stay. I did not have the energy or desire to interact with anyone and even when Keagan was there, most days I barely spoke (which if you ask him, is very unusual for me ha). He tried his very best to put on a strong face while visiting me each day, but I could see that this was affecting him almost more than it was affecting me – and that honestly felt worse to me than anything I was going through. There are tears in my eyes right now as I think about the look that seemed to be permanently on his face during that time – worry, fear, exhaustion…masked by an uneasy smile as he told me everything would be okay. I felt like this wasn’t real life; like I was watching myself from outside of my body and what was happening wasn’t actually happening to me. At many points throughout this time I wasn’t overly sad…or mad…or scared…I didn’t feel anything – I felt numb.
My healing journey took a more positive turn once I was brought back to Swift Current and put in the care of the amazing nurses on the Women’s & Children’s unit as well as the Internal Medicine specialists. When I tell you that I would not have recovered from this all the way that I did without these specific nurses, I am 100% confident it’s the truth. I’ll be honest with you guys, I was in ROUGH shape and they were completely unphased and never hesitated to offer me a smile or a hug. In the times where I felt completely helpless and couldn’t even brush my teeth or use the washroom on my own, they were there. They did not treat me like I was just another patient on their list; they got to know me as an individual and cared for me as if I were a member of their own family or one of their best friends – I cannot thank each of them enough.
When it finally came time to go home, my fear and anxiety set in BAD. In between my time spent in Regina and my second stay in the hospital in Swift Current, I had actually been discharged and sent home. I was home for less than 24 hours before being admitted again for my last 2.5 week stretch, at which time I was the sickest I had been. How could I possibly go home now and take care of myself after all of this? Would I ever feel “normal” again? With encouragement and support from Keagan, my medical team, and our absolutely UNREAL friends & family I was able to make the transition back home and they all helped to make it as smooth as possible.
It’s been about 2 months now since I’ve been home and while I am still struggling to make sense of the events of the past few months, I am feeling much better. I have found it difficult to be present at times and I often feel “frazzled” – I’ll say things like, “didn’t we just do that?” or “remember when this just happened?” when it turns out it was actually 4 months ago. I feel like the time I was sick is “lost” time and it’s hard to wrap my mind around those gaps. Physically, I was SO weak for the first while I was home that I could barely walk up the stairs without having to stop or change over a load of laundry without feeling exhausted. Even to talk took the biggest effort…my voice is still a little shaky now if I talk for a longer period of time.
I returned to work at the beginning of April and getting back into a daily routine has helped my mental health in a big way. Despite feeling very anxious to resume my social life (I was having a hard time leaving my house for the first while), I have spent time with friends and even attended a couple of hockey games. I FINALLY have an appetite again after nearly 4 months and am able to eat regular meals. One of my first “meals” once I was back home was a McDonald’s cheeseburger & fries; I had 3 bites of the burger and approximately 4 fries before feeling absolutely stuffed – it was an accomplishment! I am definitely still not 100% at this point physically or mentally, but it seems to get a little better each day.
If you’ve made it to the end – congratulations! I know this was a long, intense, and very personal read but to those of you who took the time to do so…thank you. I have always found writing to be very therapeutic and for that reason I have been looking forward to and dreading writing this post all at the same time. My intention in sharing all of this is not to gain sympathy or attention, but to share and connect with anyone who may resonate with my experience. The things I have been going through have a tendency to make people feel isolated and alone; if I can help even one other person by sharing my story, that means everything to me.
Thanks for reading🫶🏻
Britt✨
Bare.Beauty.Blog. 